wrestlessness

Earlier today I read a quote by someone (I really can't remember her name) who said that she couldn't wait to start writing each day because she was excited to find out what she was going to say. Whenever I start writing, I feel the same way . . . well, sometimes I feel a bit nervous that I'm not going to have anything to say, and other times I am nervous that what I have to say won't be said clearly. A few weeks ago I was talking to my new friend Jesse in the Bookend (a little coffeeshop I frequent), and he told me that he was frustrated because he was writing a poem about something very interesting, but all of the words he put down on paper made it sound boring. But this is the plight of all writers. We are constantly afraid of our own inadequecy to put ideas into words--the correct words, interesting words, words that will keep you, the reader, reading. Having admitted my fears about writing . . . here goes a blog . . . I hope it's clear, and I hope it's interesting.

I have now been in Boulder for four months. Just a little over a year ago, God called me to leave Indianapolis and to move to Boulder. So here I sit in Boulder. I'll admit, a year ago, my expectation of what my life would look like four months into this new adventure was quite different from the present reality. I would have expected hundreds to be flocking to our community, people dropping on their knees left and right, proclaiming Jesus as the true God. We all have dreams . . . and these are good dreams to have. But the reality is that God is moving in the hearts of people, and people are coming to our community. But life is not as dramatically different as I had thought it would be. In fact, the most dramatic change I have seen take place is the one that I have experienced in my own life.

My good friend Samira recently told me that it is in the first year of ministry that God works in you, and not it's not until the second year that he begins to truly work through you. Perhaps I was disillusioned to think that I would relocate to Boulder and see God immediately begin working through me. And not that He couldn't . . . but I think I didn't consider the time it would take for me to adjust to the new location, culture, friends, elevation, geography, spirituality, etc. Who knew it would be so difficult to be half-way across the country from my closest friends and family? Yes, I should have known, but you can't truly know until you experience it. It's hard. Really hard. And to add to the difficulties of transition, a few other aspects of my life began to fall apart a bit. My reaction: I became inwardly focused, and I crumbled. Instead of leaning on God and community, I just try to deal with it on my own. And as I should have learned by now, that never works. Never. But God is good, and He used that time in my life to show me how self-centered I am and how self-sufficient I attempt to be. Lesson learned: I need God. I cannot do it on my own. I can't make good decisions on my own, I can't love on my own, and I can't reach anyone on my own. He is the only one. In the midst of an incredibly lonely time, I realized that I will probably always feel loneliness, even if I do get married and have eight kids. My downfall is that I look for fulfillment in every place but in God, and this loneliness will serve as a constant reminder that nothing can satisfy me except for God--that what I am deeply longing for is not in this world. It only exists in another one. I don't know how the quote goes, but I think C.S. Lewis came to a very similar conclusion . . .

So anyway, here I am in month four. Months one thru three were all about me. I've realized that in some way they needed to be. No person can effectively move into a completely new life without searching deep within themselves. But I will admit that I went overboard--too much time was spent feeling sorry for myself. Months four thru whenever will be about God and what He wants me to do here. While visiting Ohio, God created a spark inside of me. I can feel it beginning to burn, but I have no idea when it will burst into flames. I feel wrestless, and I am ready to move, but God hasn't revealed the direction I am to go. The way I am feeling at this moment, is exactly how I felt about a year and a half ago when I knew God was about to do something huge in my life, but I had no idea what it was. Four months later, He revealed that I was supposed to move to Boulder. I believe that He is now going to reveal what He wants me to do now that I am here and ready to serve. The passion I have for people and for Jesus is growing, but there are 98,000 people in Boulder who don't know Him. I need Him to show me how to use it. And I believe He wants to tell me, and very soon, He will.

P.S. Be sure to read the author's note from Don Miller's new book, Through Painted Deserts. You can find it, along with Chapter 1, at www.bluelikejazz.com It spoke volumes to me.